Burnout

"Can I admit something to you?" I told my SPM supervisor during our last weekly meeting.

"Sure, go ahead."

"I have SPM burnout. It's not you, it's not the church, but I feel burned out--like I can't possibly write anymore or think anymore. I miss my boyfriend, my friends, my room. I miss my routine. I'm exhausted and I'm ready to go home." With a large sigh, I slumped in my chair, nervous to make eye contact.

He smiled. "It's understandable. This isn't where you are right now. You have a life waiting for you back in Austin, you have so much that awaits ahead. When you are the pastor of a church, and the church is your life, you'll feel different."

***

A summer internship is a strange; you become embedded in a worshiping community but you do not have time to build many relationships. I feel more like a pastoral voyeur than a real, live minister. An SPM is like a tasting buffet--you get a sample of the preaching life, but never a full course meal.

Even if I were able to be ordained tomorrow, I know I am not ready to be the solo pastor. I need more classes, more insights. The lessons from this summer need to stew and incubate.

And yet--maybe becoming a pastor is like becoming a parent for the first time. No one is ever "ready" for parenthood; you learn on the fly, you make mistakes, you triumph in your small victories and try not to sweat the stings and arrows of defeat.

Regardless,I find myself lifting mine eyes unto the hills of the upcoming Fall semester. During August alone, I have ordination exams, new student orientation, a CPM meeting, the first Kairos [school newsletter, of which I am editor] of the year...plus meeting at the C&A to visit friends and enjoy a pint (or two, or three) of that sweet ambrosia known as Shiner Bock.

Just under two weeks left...let's hope I can muster enough energy to complete my final sermon...