Sigh of Relief

O, Captain, my Captain, our fearful trip is done...

At long last, the goal once though impossible has been accomplished: we have navigated our little Protestant selves through the Basics of Biblical Hebrew. We can now quasi-coherently discuss the more salient aspects of Hebrew, whether it be a heated argument over the use of a direct-object marker or whether that mem-shewa is a preposition or-horrors!-a participle!

Today my heart rejoices in the beauty of winter in Austin (70 degrees!) and the simple joy of driving with my windows down, listening to the musical stylings of my personal poet-laureate, Paul Simon. I enjoyed lunch with one of my mentors and am thankful that I have such a wise, noble man to guide me as I continue this journey towards ordained ministry.

On another note: I have decided to temporarily give up the 'brew...and we're not talking Hebrew. We're talking the REAL brew,booze, because after a few days of partying like it's 1999, the thought of drinking another beer turns my stomach. So I shall give it up, albeit temporarily, and allow my body to detox. Besides, the Spring semester is looming on the horizon and I need to be in good form if I am going to last through the semester without having a nervous breakdown.

I am Weary, Let me Rest

A conversation today shared over a glorious Crown burger (thanks, Ryan!) with one of my closest friends reflected on the occassional need to de-tox our lives. Now that the 'brew is "pert-near" (that's West Texan for 'almost') over, we are beginning to turn our faces towards other horizons.

I am tired- nay, exhausted! The stress and the rigamorole surrounding the 'brew has worn me down to one tired pulp of a seminarian. This week will be an ideal time to de-tox, de-stress, and prepare for a new semester.

I am finding an increasing urge to simplify my life. So much of my energy is spent in needless activity that I grow weary of my life being "frittered away by detail," to borrow a phrase from H.D. Thoreau. I attended a Taize worship service this evening at my church and I was moved how such a simple, serene service can draw me into the heart of God. If you ever have the means or oppertunity, I encourage you to attend a Taize service...just a personal endorsement.

So this week, and the weeks to come, are hereby dedicated to living in simplicity, to focusing on keeping still and silencing my mind, allowing the beauty and serenity of creation to fully permeate my being.

She's Makin' a List...(or two, or three)

Saw these lists on one of Pappan's latest blogs, so I thought I would copy the format and post my own lists.

Four jobs that I've had:

Grocery Sacker
Librarian
Cast member in an outdoor musical drama
Barista (that's a person who makes coffee in a coffeehouse, for those who don't know)

Four movies that I can watch over and over again:

Tombstone
Dead Poet's Society
The Muppet Movie (everytime I hear "Rainbow Connection," I tear up just a little)
The Big Lebowski

Four places I've lived:

El Paso, TX
Amarillo, TX
Canyon, TX
Austin, TX (current) (not very many places--my parents are not nomadic folk)


Four TV shows I love to watch:

Gilmore Girls
My Name is Earl
Nip/Tuck (on rare occassion)
The Simpsons

Four websites I read daily:

Amarillo.com (hometown newspaper)
Cnn.com
Various and sundry blogs
Theonion.com


Four places I've been on vacation:

Port Aransas, Texas
Red River, New Mexico
Las Vegas, Nevada
Various Locations around New Mexico...(Ok, this is not a very in-depth list. My family never had much money when I was growing up and thus we never took any exciting vacations.)



Four favorite foods:

Coffee! (Is coffee technically a food? It is now!)
Mashed potatoes
Meatloaf (especially when enjoyed with the above)
My grandma's spinich casserole (seriously...it has so much cheese and garlic that you don't even notice the taste of the spinich)

Four places I'd rather be:

On the beach in Tahiti
In bed, spooning with a handsome man
Driving through the Tuscan countryside (yes, I am a cheeseball. Just call me Diane Lane in Under the Tuscan Sun)
Hiking in the beautiful Palo Duro Canyon



If you read this, consider yourself tagged! Copy the text and list your own four. Get on it!

Another Pleasant Austin Sunday

Sunday afternoons are little packets of goodness from God, a time of stillness before the wacky entropy of the workweek ensues. Perhaps this is why I am somewhat cranky if I have a commitment on Sunday afternoon; I value the luxurious freedom of Sunday and I want to do what I want to do, dammit!

Which is why, when my good friends called and invited me on an excursion to ToyJoy and BookPeople, I accepted, even though it meant blowing off a prior (and admittedly, less fun) commitment.

Bookstores are the Sunday afternoons of the retail world. I love the sensory experience of meandering through bookstores, how the lingering scents of incense, coffee, ink, and paper comingle in a perichoretical dance (to borrow/steal a phrase from theologian Karl Barth). Books, once considered a luxury because of their rarity, are no longer a precious commodity. Rather, in today's society, books and the stores which peddle them are a symbol of the luxury of free time, symbols of glorious "Sunday afternoon." In our frantic, frenetic American lives, we often do not prioritize reading time. I lament this loss

I picked up an interesting book from the bargain bin at BookPeople and I am convinced that my finding it was no coincidence. The book is a Zen inspired re-interpretation of the psalms and I was most intrigued as I am both fascinated and inspired by Eastern thought and philosophy. To see if the book would be worth buying, I turned to my favorite Psalm (no. 121) and was moved profoundly by its message. Now, I have read Psalm 121 dozens of times, but it is always a blessing to hear scripture in a fresh voice. For your own perusal, I have copied the Psalm below:

Psalm 121

I lift my eyes to the mountain peak--
Where does my help come from?
It comes from you
Maker of heaven and earth
Who holds my foot firm on the path up
Who's constantly present
Everywhere aware

Look!
With you there's no obscurity
Nothing is dim, asleep, inert
To those who question and struggle
You respond, keep hold, give cover
So that by day the sun won't burn
Nor by night the moon mesmerize

You guard against evil
Enfold and reveal the soul

Guard my arrival
Secure my departure--
Now:

Always


I was particulary moved by the section that was interpreted as thus: "To those who question and struggle, You [God] respond, keep hold, cover." Lately I have been struggling, with Hebrew, as well as other issues, personal and otherwise. And I think this is why Psalm 121 will always be my favorite, because it reminds me that when we question and struggle, God will always respond. God "guides [our] arrival" and "secures our departure," therefore, we shall not fear! Naturally, it is not easy to keep the faith, but the wonder behind God's grace is that God will continue to watch, guard, keep, regardless if we have faith in God or not.

So my charge to my brothers and sisters who are struggling: Look to the mountain! See that help comes from the one who made heaven and earth! We will be kept, we will be guarded, for our God is constantly present and everywhere aware.

The Grass Ain't Always Greener

"I Don't Want to Live on the Moon"
(courtesy Sesame Street)

I'd like to visit the moon
On a rocketship high in the air.
Yes, I'd like to visit the moon,
But I don't think I'd like to live there.
Though I'd like to look down at the earth From above,
I'd miss all the places and people I love,
So although I might like it for one afternoon,
I don't want to live on the moon.

I'd like to travel under the sea.
I could meet all the fish everywhere.
Yes, I'd travel under the sea,
But I don't think I'd like to live there.
I might stay for a day there If i had my wish,
But there's not much to do
When your friends are all fish,
And an oyster and clam aren't real family,
So I don't want to live under the sea.

I'd like to visit the jungle,
Hear the lion's roar;
Go back and meet a dinosaur.
There's so many strange places I'd like to be
But none of them permanently.

So if I should visit the moon,
Well, I'll dance on a moonbeam, and then
I will make a wish on a star,
And I'll wish I was home once again.
Though I'd like to look down at the earth from above,
I would miss all the places And people I love
So although I may go, I'll be coming home soon,
'Cause I don't want to live on the moon.
No, I don't want to live on the moon.

Please forgive me for being a bit sappy, but I this is one of my favorite songs from childhood. I remember Ernie singing this song on Sesame Street and I can vividly recall the brightly colored moonbeams and muppet fish. Songs and poems we learn in childhood fuse into our adult psyche. Tonight, I find this song increasingly poingnant.

I wrestle often with various degrees of homesickness and general feelings of self-doubt, especially concerning academic and ecclesiastical affairs. Like Ernie, I sometimes dream of abandoning my life in Austin and embark on a mad-cap odyssey to exotic locations. Nothing is inherently wrong with a desire, as they say in Star Trek, "to seek out new life and new civilizations," but we must never forget the beauty of home, the beauty of the faces and places we love.

As I sometimes become impatient with my life and jealous of others' perceived good fortune, I must remind myself that the "grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence." It's just grass, same as my grass, same as anybody's grass. And though it might be tempting to live on the moon, I would miss my family and friends that continue to humble and inspire me. So glory be to God for all that is seen and unseen which blesses my life! I pray that I, too, will never take my blessings for granted and that I may be a blessing to others.

Playin' Hooky

What is more glorious than playing hooky from school (or work, whatever your case may be)?

"Calling in sick," "taking a mental health day," "playing hooky"-- all are euphemisms for the simple joy of deflecting life's responsibilities for a single day. The weekends are typically free from school or work but are instead saddled with the weight of menial weekend chores. A weekend, then, isn't really about total freedom; however, playing hooky allows a person for one day to be totally and absolutely free.

The single greatest depicition of the single greatest day of freedom is the movie "Ferris Bueller's Day Off." I'm sure that anybody who grew up in the 1980's can quote this movie verbatim. But out of the myriad of lines that are certainly more memorable and more quotable, one of my favorites occurs at the beginning of the movie, when Ferris looks at the beautiful sky of a blissful spring morning, and asks, "how can I be expected to handle school on a day like today?" I can't recall how many times I have walked or driven to school or work thinking these exact words. [Side note: I've actually met Ben Stein! Well, I didn't technically meet him, but I did make him a tea, which, incidentally, he sent back. Another story for another time...]

Today was such a day.

After a night of drinking at another great little hole in the wall (named, appropriately, The Hole in the Wall), I decided to enjoy the morning and play hooky from Hebrew. I was not the only one who had similar sentiments, as my other drinking companions also did not show up for class this morning. I slept in ridiculously late, ate breakfast, played with the cat, and am now simultaneously drinking coffee, watching Indecent Proposal, and writing this blog. (Who said that I can't multitask?) At some point, I shall "get back to work," but I intend to delay the ineveitable as long as possible. Indeed, it has been a glorious morning!

Weekend Update

Another pleasant, if slightly bizarre weekend.

Friday night, I attended the world-famous Salt Lick Barbeque outfit. If you are in the Austin Area, I highly recommend you take a slight detour to the Salt Lick. I believe that the Kingdom of Heaven will be much like the 'Lick: an eternal feast of all-you-can-eat barbeque ribs, brisket, sausage. In Heaven, the Shiner Bock flows from an eternal stream and beer bottles are never empty. If there is no beer in heaven, I will not go! (Of course, if there is no beer in heaven, then it isn't heaven, but that is another discussion for another time.)

I also enjoyed amazing fellowship with my fellow seminarians and endured several games of Trivial Pursuit. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I tend to be one heck of a Trivial Pursuit Player, and my skills are apparently augmented after I have imbibed a few Shiner Bocks.

Today I had an opportunity to go to the opera, Shostakovich's Lady MacBeth of Mtensk, which I recommend everyone seeing at least once, simply because it was the most risque opera I have ever seen. If you want to see some gratuitious sex and violence on stage, and you don't have a strong aversion to Russian opera, then this is the opera for you.

Cat is doing well. She likes to follow me around the house, mostly because she usually wants food, but I would like to believe she follows me out of some sort feline reverence for my existence. The other day, I journeyed to the pet store, to buy kitty litter, and I ended up purchasing a couple of extraneous feline accoutrements. One of said accoutrements were these kitty treats that I purchased on a whim, only to discover that the damned things were $5.99. $5.99?!?!? I don't spend that on my own damn treats, let alone on a stupid cat. Oh, what mother I have become!

Little Miss Perfect

“Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor, the enemy of the people…I think perfectionism is based on the obsessive belief that if you run carefully enough, hitting each stepping-stone just right, you won’t have to die. The true is that you will die anyway and that a lot of people who aren’t even looking at their feet are going to do a whole lot better than you, and have a lot more fun while they’re doing it.”
-- Anne Lamott

Lately, I have wrestled with perfectionism, although my neurotic obsession with attaining perfection has not been isolated solely to this week, but rather is a behavioral pattern throughout my entire life. Today, however, I finally realized how crippling perfectionism is to my overall level of happiness. During our Hebrew study group, our TA called on me to say the opening prayer for our class. Immediately, my heart began to palpitate wildly and my mind began to race and I began to panic about what “right” words I should say. I desperately wanted to spout out a prayer that would put St. Francis of Assisi to shame, but instead, I mumbled and fumbled a few trite sentences.

I wanted my prayer, my words to be perfect. But this desire to deliver a perfect offering to God is not the only area of my life where perfectionism rears its ugly head. I also strive to be a perfect student, a perfect friend, a perfect daughter, granddaugher, sister. I desire physical as well as emotional perfection and I spend a lot of excess time and energy working, albeit futilely, towards this unattainable goal.

The truth is, of course, that none of us are perfect and we all die anyway so why bother trying to be something we’re not? I heard a wonderful sermon the other day that discussed how all of creation praises God. Trees, animals, the wind, the ocean, etc.—all praise God, simply by being trees, animals, the wind the ocean…. My friend, the great and profound Ryan P. (had to give him a citation for this idea!) said that we, as human beings, praise God simply by being our true selves. Therefore, the way I glorify and praise God is not by being perfect or praying perfect prayers but rather by being Meredith. God does not expect us to be perfect; such is the depraved state of fallen humanity. But God does expect us to be true to ourselves. The great mystery of God’s everlasting mercy is that if/when God decides to look to perfection, God looks at the perfection of humanity that was manifested in Jesus Christ. With Jesus Christ as the model for the true, perfect humanity, there is truly hope for us all- even silly, neurotic, semi-vapid cat owners such as myself.

The main problem with perfectionism is that, when we focus too much on keeping our heads down in order to avoid stepping on cracks, we miss the world surrounding us. And if everyone dies in the end, perfect of not, it seems ridiculous to obsess over unachievable goals. So my goal for this year of our Lord 2006 is to learn to simply be the best Meredith I can be. I am what I am ; we are what we are. For God, that is good enough.

Tower of Babble

So here I am, 10:00 P.M. on my fourth day of Biblical Hebrew and I am finding myself not studying diligently for our first Hebrew exam tomorrow morning, but rather driving around the city of Austin, Texas, desperately looking for today’s paper.

“Why a paper?” you may ask. It just so happens that I am the offspring of a genuine, bona fide, die-hard, burnt-orange bleedin’ University of Texas alumnus—my mother. There was a small, rather insignificant football game last night that resulted in a National Championship title for said university and it goes without saying that the humble city of Austin is in a bit of an uproar. I called my mother and told her I would save her today’s Austin Paper commemorating UT’s win, but, alas! I have waited too long and it seems that there are no more newspapers in this godforsaken town.

Even the most jaded curmudgeon can admit to being somewhat moved by the enthusiasm of University of Texas fans. I would wager, though, that the greatest of enthusiasm belongs not to the valiant Vince Young and his family, but rather to my mother. I even drove by the fabled UT Tower in honor of my mother and gazed at its luminous burnt-orange splendor. I drove and gazed and searched not on my own accord, but in the place of the one who does not have the luxury of Austin to gaze and drive herself.

Personally, I do not give a flying rat’s ass for most sports. A liberal arts major, I have never been truly enamored with any kind of physical competition. In PE classes, I was always the stereotypical bespectacled skinny nerd who was picked last for the team-- not that I cared, of course. My goal was to make it though each PE period without getting my ass kicked by a vicious upper-classman and, by the grace of God, I was successful. Yet, despite my strong aversion to sports, I found myself more or less highly engaged in the activity of last night’s Rose Bowl.

I watched the game in honor of my mother. For her, the University of Texas is not merely her and my father’s alma mater, but rather is a symbol of home. The famed University of Texas tower is, to my mother, not a merely a sentimental city landmark, but rather a symbol of the perseverance of the human spirit. Through the tumult of my mother’s childhood, the tower stood tall and imposing, stalwart in the face of adversity. Her love for the University of Texas is a love and pride for her home. My mother did not grow up in the most favorable of circumstances and she turned to other sources to provide the reassurance that was lacking in her home life.

My mother, in many ways, is like that tower: tall, intimidating, comforting, tenacious. My mother is also a source of strength, of support, of reassurance to others. Many depend on her just as she depends on the University of Texas. And this is why I watched the Rose Bowl, wore burnt orange, and performed a futile search for an Austin paper. I do these things because my mother does these things. She is my Tower, my symbol of home; therefore, my participation in various UT rituals are not for the honor of UT, but for the honor of someone greater.

A Year in Revue

Happy New Year! The end of the old year and the birth of a new one presents with an ideal time for reflection. So, without further delay, here is Meredith's End of the Year wrap-up Extravaganza for 2005!

January: Moved in with my best friend, Roland. My apartment in Canyon was plagued with horrible plumbing problems, so I decided to cut my losses and move out. Coincidentally, Rolando was looking for a new living situation as well and we decided since we already were practically living together, we should bite the bullet and move into a little house in Canyon.

February: I co-starred in a production of “Sweeney Todd” at our local community theater. I had a nifty role as a beggar-woman/prostitute who gets her throat cut towards the end of the show. I learned that I am capable of anything, as this role was the most challenging thing I have attempted both theatrically and musically. I also learned that stage blood will stain your bra and not even the strongest stain removers will get it out!

March: Came in like a lion and out like a lamb! Received my acceptance letter for Austin Seminary, which was exciting, seeing as how it was the only seminary I applied to.

April: The great T.S. Eliot once said, “April is the cruelest month.” April was not exact a hotbed of activity, but I wouldn’t go so far as to say it was cruel. Just boring.

May: The month of my birth (Woo-Hoo!). The highlight of my year, thus far, was my opportunity to be in the cast of “Jesus Christ Superstar” at our local community theater (the same one where I was in “Sweeney Todd.”) Call me a sentimental, sappy fool, but JCS is without a doubt my favorite musical.

June: I won an ALTA (Amarillo Little Theatre Award) for “Best Supporting Actress in a Musical” for my role as “Beggar Woman” in “Sweeney Todd.” An ALTA is sort of like winning an Oscar, only without the Oscar de la Renta formalwear.

July: I threw my annual Fourth of July Picnic. Fun times. I wore my bikini that looks like the American Flag and drank a lot of Bud Light.

August: The most bittersweet month of the year, the 23rd of August marked the end of my tenure in the Panhandle. My leaving Canyon was the end of an era. But I also believed in the words of the Mother Superior from "The Sound of Music:" 'When God closes a door, God always opens a window.' Wise words, Reverend Mother. Wise words indeed.

September: Classes at APTS began! Began to meet the crazy seminarians who quickly became my friends. Learned that the Crown & Anchor is proof God loves us and wants us to be happy.

October: Took my first road trip home, with mixed results. Dressed up as a princess for Halloween. Began blogging!

November: Wrote a barrage of papers for school. Celebrated the day upon which we give Thanks with my grandparents.

December: Finals! My wacky trip home! My equally wacky Christmas here in Austin! New Year's Eve with my friends which resulted in some entertaining drunken escapades...

Ah, 2005...so much done and yet, much left undone. I promise to enjoy 2006 to its fullest capacity and if my life continues on its current track, 2006 will be most exciting, indeed.