Homeward Bound(less)

What music I am listening to: The Essential Simon & Garfunkel (yet again)

The refrain of one of my favorite S&G songs, Homeward Bound, goes like this:
"Homeward bound,
I wish I was,
Homeward bound:
Home, where my thoughts escapin'
Home, where my music's playin'
Home, where my Love lies waitin' silently for me."

I was, in fact, "Homeward Bound" this weekend-- my best friend was driving to Amarillo and I agreed to tag along so I could 1) assist with driving 2) see my family and friends. I have felt so terribly homesick for the past two months that I was ready to endure the 8 1/2 hour drive from Austin to Amarillo. We left late Thursday afternoon and arrived in Canyon, Texas (where I lived the past 5 years) around 2:30 A.M. Friday morning. We drove back today, Sunday. So, needless to say, this was a whirlwind of a weekend.

As we passed through the green sign proclaiming "Canyon City Limits," I could already tell that this weekend would be an exercise in surreality. The streets, houses, businesses of Canyon--all so familiar and yet so foreign. The city had not changed in two months. Even the house of my old roommate, where we stayed Thursday night, had not changed. I couldn't sleep. I lay in bed, feeling like a stranger in my own home. Friday morning, I visited the coffee shop where I used to work. How surreal to be an actual customer instead of an employee!

Seeing my family was an absolute joy. Seeing my old friends--that was another matter. With my family, I easily slipped into my familiar role of oldest child and the "big sister." Within moments of my arrival, I was helping my mother hang laundry and load the dishwasher. It was obvious that the parable of the Prodigal Son (Daughter) has been lost on my family. Where was my fatted calf and robe? Where was my party? Alas! Poor Meredith!

Now on to the old friends...if seeing my family was the epitome of Joy, seeing my friends was the epitome of awkwardness, perhaps mixed with a little pain. Here's a typical conversation:
Friend: Hey you! [Hug]
Me: Hey you!
F: It's so great to see you! What are in town for?
Me: It's great to see you, too. I'm in town for the weekend?
F: How's Austin?
Me: Oh, pretty good. It's not the Panhandle, that's for sure [both chuckle]
F: And how's Seminary?
Me: Great! Gotta love reading Calvin and Barth [I chuckle]
F: [stares somewhat blankly] Sounds neat!
Me: Oh, it is. I really love it.

... And so on. The conversation continues in banality and awkwardness. None of my friends from home are into theology and most do not understand my call to Seminary. I think a few still believe that I am going to become a nun, even though I have done all I can to dispel all myths about theological education. But the overall impression I get is that "Meredith is going to school to be a preacher?!?! Where did that come from? Our Meredith? The one who drinks, swears, enjoys a good dirty joke, and can party with the best of them? Why the hell would anyone want to be a preacher? Of course, because I MYSELF DON'T UNDERSTAND MY CALL, I can't possibly explain it to anyone else.

But the biggest problem isn't that my friends do not understand my love for Jesus and the Church. The biggest problem is that my life is going in one direction, my friends life is moving in another, and I no longer know where I "fit in" with any of their lives. I went to a Halloween party Friday night, and I had a terrible time because although I knew most of the people there, I had nothing in common with them anymore. They know nothing of my daily triumphs and struggles and I know nothing of theirs.

I guess the point I am trying to make is, I finally realized that Austin is my home. My seminary classmates are my new friends and I missed my Austin friends desperately this weekend! Seminary is the first place that I feel like I can be myself. These people seem to love me for who I am and are infinitely patient and accepting of my many, many idiosynchrises (spelling?). I never used to feel like I could talk about my Faith with anyone and it is still something I have trouble expressing. But here, I can talk about Jesus, theology, my Faith, and I don't feel like schmaltzy Hallmark card or religious "poser."

My heart is heavy laden with the bittersweet truth that life goes on and friendships evolve. And as flowers grow, blossom, and eventually fade and wither, I believe relationships also follow this pattern. We are left with memories of growth and blossoming and I believe these memories to be a gift and blessing from God.

I will no longer be as homesick for the Panhandle. My life is here. My home is here. Thanks and Glory be to God!