20/20 Hindsight

Writing a paper at the last minute, again. I have a paper due for theology tomorrow, and I, in typical Meredith fashion, have managed to cram two and a half weeks worth of research into 24 hours.

I take a small amount of pride in my ability to procrastinate; despite overwhelming time constraints, I usually complete tasks with a frantic flourish. Generally I get good grades and I always wonder, well, what would happen if I didn’t wait until the last minute? And inevitably, halfway through the process, I wonder, “Why, oh why, did I procrastinate? I’m 23 years old, I have a college degree, shouldn’t I know better?” But then again, I was always the child who repeatedly touched the hot stove, never learning that it would burn me. I suppose that deep down, I vehemently believed that that next time my finger touched the stove, I would have somehow changed the fundamental properties of the stove and it would no longer be hot.

I often wonder if I am doomed to repeat the same mistakes. Like my inner child, I often “keep touching the stove” when it comes to certain people and situations in my life. For example, when I look back at the failed relationships in my life, I notice the same destructive behavioral patterns. Generally with men, my history tends to repeat itself. I tend to follow my “standard operating procedures” and then am devastated when the relationship doesn’t work out. It’s like that Pete Seeger song, “Where have all the flowers gone?” which laments after each verse: “when will they ever learn? Oh, when will they ever learn?”

When will I ever learn? Is my behavior the result of a stubborn resistance to change? (I’m a Taurus—we be stubborn folk!) Or is it genetically hard-wired into me and thus is instinct? And if so, can a person overcome instinct? I sometimes doubt that human beings can truly conquer their innate animal instincts. You can argue with me all you want, but no matter how evolved our society becomes, human beings will continue to pursue basic animal desires: sex, shelter, food, water.

I doubt that my relationship mistakes are actually instinct. Most likely, they are the result of years of emotional baggage and neurotic tendencies. With prayer, persistence, and the guidance of my peers, I can someday change some of my skewed relationship paradigms…but not overnight. Patience, Meredith. Patience!