Lonely Pancakes

What music I am listening to: Grateful Dead "American Beauty." Today is a mellow kind of a day...

I attempted to make pumpkin pancakes this morning. After my first few attempts which resulted in mutated, burned, and otherwise fucked-up pancakes, I managed to produced three good specimens.

My mother mother used to make us breakfast on Saturday mornings. I don't know if it was the smell or the sound of cooking bacon that used to wake me up, but the impending breakfast-y goodness would always arouse me out of my bed. Now that I am grown, big homemade breakfasts are but a memory. My former roommate and I used to make breakfast several times a week and I miss our early morning community over bacon eggs. You can make breakfast for yourself, but it's not the same when you do not have anyone to share your breakfast with.

Breakfast this morning reminded me of my perpetual state of loneliness. It is true that here, I am surrounded by numerous friends. I am never truly alone, and, for that matter, it is impossible to be alone at this school where I see and interact with my classmates on a daily basis. But my loneliness is deeper than the actual, physical state of being alone: I desire compansionship. I have not been involved in a serious romantic relationship for almost 4 years. And yes, I have had dates, one night stands, etc. during these past four years, but nothing substantial. Very little of it healthy.

Here at the seminary, I am surrounded by married couples, engaged couples, and couples involved in serious romantic relationships. While I realize that it is wrong to covet what they have, I cannot help but be jealous of their love. I'm past wanting a boyfriend just to have a boyfriend--I long for a mature adult relationship. Maybe the time is not right, but I still want someone to make pancakes for, someone to laugh with, to cry with; someone to hold and someone to hold me; someone who will love me unconditionally and someone I can love without bound.